Five Green Acres Mary Jo + Andrew Borchardt Poynette, WI
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ladies with exposed bust

ladies with exposed bust
March 27, 2008 Mary Jo

Ok. It was just brought to my attention that if you Google the above words, this FiveGreenAcres blog shows up on the first page of results. (go ahead. I know you want to try it. It’s probably waaaay higher in ranking now, after this post)

So I got that going for me, which is nice. ??? Hooray for search engines and their mysterious workings….

Along those lines, I may have mentioned that we will be partaking in our first vacation in a bazillion years, to someplace warm and sunny and beachy. Up to this point I haven’t thought very much about it: it was SO exciting that it seemed rather surreal, so I didn’t fully believe we were actually going, and I have been pretty engrossed lately in making things like a crazy banshee, so it wasn’t the foremost thing on my radar screen. But yesterday it became very real indeed as I took my first shopping expedition to prepare.

Of course this beckons the inevitable: the warm and sunny and beachy parts sound all great and wonderful and good on paper, but beachy implies a Beach. And exposed skin. (Not busts, though, as it were. That resort was all booked up.) And if you know anything at all about me, you’ll know that about 3 years ago, my body started swelling and stretching and growing to fit the ever-growing proportions of a gestating human being and it never really came back. Is there a “Restore” button somewhere I just haven’t found? So, to cope with the very cliche, but true, horrors of shopping for a swimsuit after gestating a baby in my belly and then not dropping everything else important to reclaim that space for myself, I’ve decided to focus instead on the window dressing. A little trompe l’oeil, if you will. And I will, with the help of lots of birthday money, because this kind of undertaking ain’t cheap. My jumping-off-point is this l-o-v-e-l-y cover up robe by Anthropologie, which invokes a silver screen film star sort of glamour. Go ahead and zoom in on that – isn’t it lovely? Well, then, may as well add a swimsuit that evokes this same sentiment, right? And says so right in the description. So far, so good. Looks like all that basket weaving mumbo-jumbo will go a long way to keep the stretch marks and extra Mommy-Padding under wraps.

Of course, to finance the project up to this point, I’ll be selling off random things from our house on Ebay, likely starting with the husband’s things. And maybe sell the dogs, too. Know anyone out there looking to pay top dollar for some poorly-trained pugs? Only serious offers, please.

Now, to top it all off, literally, I shall require one more contribution from Anthropologie: this hat. Since we’ll likely have nothing left around the house to pawn off, and won’t get more than 5 or $10 for the pugs, realistically, I guess I’ll have to do like any self-respecting-crafty-person would do and make it myself. Haven’t made a hat before, but what better time to start? This will certainly give me the hand-sewing fix I’ve been craving. And save me from having to rob a liquor store to fund this project.

Add to this mix a pair of Audrey Hepburn black sunglasses, some coordinated flip-flops, and fire-engine-red lipstick and there’s no way I could possibly, for one second, foster a less-than-acceptable body image. Making the beachy part of the trip a total success. Which is what this is all about, after all, protecting our investment in the trip. And if it sounds a little bit vain, well, maybe I am just a little bit vain. Which from my perspective, is a much healthier approach than my previous hide-out-in-the-momma-bear-cave-all-winter funk.

And of course, it’s certainly not necessary to don the attire of a ’40s film star to have a shot at a nice vacation, but really – it can’t hurt, right?

I’ll let you know if this whole trompe l’oeil approach works.

And we’ll see if a career in rip-off hat-making is in the cards for me….

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