29 May, 2008
We regret to inform you that you shall be evicted from The Kitchen, effective today. Quite frankly, we abhor your lack of etiquette and find it unsuitable for this high-end neighborhood; your conduct has proven unsatisfactory for our standards of air quality and cleanliness. Our sources have confirmed that the foul odor present in The Kitchen is originating from your dwelling, despite our fastidious attempts to provide clean bedding, food, and water. Is it really necessary to scatter food all over your house? We think not. You’ve been warned, repeatedly and earnestly, to keep the noise level down during the nighttime hours. Hollering is not tolerated at any of our properties, and we strive to create a peaceable environment for all to enjoy, as the Pugs, Hens, Cockerels, and Pullets can attest to. In addition, it’s clear that you’ve outgrown the property, almost doubling in size and girth since moving in little more than a week ago. We find that kind of growth disproportionate to the resources available here in The Kitchen. While we appreciate your fleeting contributions to our Pest Control program, we will require a more comprehensive approach once you’ve gone through the requisite training and have received certification in Tick Removal.
Your well-being is of high importance, second to our own. In an effort to provide for this well-being, we shall be relocating you to another of our properties, The Coop, where we think you’ll be more at home. The neighbors there are mature women with a strong mothering instinct, henceforth referred to as The Hens. Perhaps they can take you under their wings, so to speak, and teach you some manners. Here you can expect all the same amenities as in The Kitchen: heat, food, water, bedding. These accommodations offer three times the square footage of The Kitchen and there are no noise or odor regulations, save those imposed by said Hens. The Coop is, in fact, our most up-and-coming property; an undisclosed number of pullets and cockerels will be moving in at the end of the month, providing new blood for the already active Neighborhood Association. It is the perfect time to be making this transition.
We are confident that you will be more at home there and look forward to an ever-improving tenant-landlord partnership.