Birthday time is upon us this week, visiting me this time, and bringing with it an inevitable pause for reflection. It’s much like the feeling at New Years – the chance to assess what worked in the previous year, what didn’t, the opportunity for a fresh start. As I mull this all over, I have to ask myself when the mood of my birthday shifted from exuberant to somber. Anyone that knew me before also knows that everyone in my zip code was given a month’s notice of my impending birthday and weekly, then daily, countdown reminders. There was no serious “how is this life of yours shaping up” conversations with myself; my birthday was simply an all-out celebration of life – my life. What happened to that sentiment, I have to ask myself? And it’s not even a simple matter of getting older. I don’t feel old (who does, really?) and I don’t think 32 is an age to be self-conscious of. It’s in fact right about the age or the stage in life I’ve always wanted to be in. Even as a child I yearned to be older, to be grown up and in control of the wheel; I think I’m finally here now, finally Grown Up.
So while age doesn’t seem to be causing this bleak outlook on The Birthday, I do think that Time might have something to do with it. Time seems to be a commodity that gets increasingly scarce as the years go by, as if the world begins to spin faster and faster with each click of the odometer. This year, in particular, I find myself wanting to put the brakes on Spring. (I’m wincing right now, as I imagine all of the outrage and rotten tomatoes directed at me for even thinking such a ridiculous thing) Here, I’ve learned, Spring means a shifting of focus from inside the home to outside. This house’s insides are so chaotic and unfinished that I can’t even fathom shifting my focus to the outside just yet – to the garden, to the arrival of 80-odd day-old chicks in a month that will have to live somewhere-that’s-not-in-the-house-or-garage until they get put out to pasture, and to the very-wished-for potential arrival of a few sheep. A sort of reverse Spring Fever, I’ve found myself in a bit of a panic. Every square inch of this place needs attention, it seems. There’s painting to be done, lead to remediate (in the Boy’s room, no less), much purging to do, organizing…the list goes on and on.
After a half day of wallowing in this, on my birthday no less, I mustered the resolve to turn the ship around. I made my own Manifestation Board. I’ve found myself to be pretty good at manifesting things in general; imagine the extra-special-double-strength power one can have in setting lofty intentions on a Birthday! I prioritized the goals I’m working towards, narrowing the focus from A Bazillion things to do to only a Handful. I wrote down 4 simple things I could start with. Maybe my head will stop spinning for a while.
To that end, I started making these burlap bins to line the above pictured shelves and help bring some order to my studio. Because that studio seems to be the lifeblood of me, my Mental Health Headquarters. If it’s completely trashed, (as it is now) finding any peace or calm is inevitably an uphill battle.
So here I stand, a year older, on the verge of Something Big, ready to tie up the loose ends. I still believe this year has all the makings for a fantastic, transformative year. I resolve to make it so.