Five Green Acres Mary Jo + Andrew Borchardt fivegreenacres@gmail.com Poynette, WI
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Shotgun Wedding

Shotgun Wedding
November 4, 2010 Mary Jo

We’re pleased to announce the wedding of Gloria, Sylvia, Irene, and Garnet to one dapper mister:  Sam the Sham, our new ram.  You may remember him from such songs as “Wooly Bully” and “Little Red Riding Hood” singing with his Pharaohs.  The Girls hope to know him as the Father of their Children.  Things look to be very busy on The Acres come Spring, if all goes well.  Wink, wink.

Oh, he’s a handsome one, isn’t he?  A purebred Rambouillet (French Merino) ram, he takes great pride in his luxuriously-soft, fit-for-a-baby’s-butt wool and his ruggedly-handsome horns.  He also appears to be well-endowed in the procreating sense, but what do we know?  Not much.  Yet.

Lest you look upon this blessed event with disdain, let me tell you a little bit about sheep culture.  In sheep culture, it is quite normal for a husband to take many wives.  That I am able to reconcile this with my own standards of womens’ rights is a testament to my own tolerance for this culture, and I advise you to do the same.  Furthermore, a ewe can expect to know many husbands throughout her life.  And by “know,” I of course mean in the biblical sense.  Doing so ensures a vibrant genetic pool from which to generate offspring.  That said, inbreeding is slightly more tolerated in sheep culture, though Sam the Sham will likely not have the opportunity to bed his granddaughters.  (thank goodness)  At that point, he’ll be rotated to another pasture, on another farm perhaps, where he will charm a new flock of girls with his tender crooning and his wooly sack.

It should also be noted that the convention of “marriage” is only for the benefit of the 5-yr-old resident of the Acres, who has not yet thought to question the specifics of babies and their origins.  While she pretends to be pregnant during playtime quite a lot, calling Daddio and I in as trusted midwives, she’s satisfied with knowing that her babies get into her belly because she tucks them up her shirt.  And that’s just fine for now, though the barnyard birds-and-bees demonstrations are inevitable.  So far, the only display she’s seen has been rooster Chuck Norris’ behavior with the Lovely Ladies, which she calls out as bullying.  Ah, sweet naivete.

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